love revolves around. # 8.

# 8.

22nd Dec, 2011...

Udita speaks….

Dear diary,

Human emotions: the more one focuses, the more it deepens with every single thought. The sooner one realizes its depth, better for them.

But the depth comes with its own set of complications and tangles.

When I had decided to leave him behind, things looked pretty simple ahead, independent life, no questions to be answered. But with the passage of time I realized it was his attitude, those silent talks, it was his love that I craved for the most.

My behavior was rather immature; with the lust of college life ahead I shattered few things around, him being the precious. I never got hold of my emotions; I even played in the hands of it. It’s not that I led my life slip away.  Although I lost my love, but I never let it happen to others.

I saw Aryan before he met with that ugly accident, he did smiled at me, but as soon as the gravity of the situation dawned upon him, it faded. And before I could have expressed my feelings, he just walked away. 

I saw him taking his steps back, I felt helpless, with his behavior it reflected that he hated me, reason being the obvious.

I lost all my hopes, it was getting difficult for me, trying to be happy all the time and I just didn't have the energy anymore. His act of stepping back haunted me like ghost in the following days, then it struck me , what he would have gone through when I had done the same?, a few years back, with more cruel attitude, the answer lied in front of me.

I met him again, few days following our previous meeting, hospitalized, bandaged head, soaked in blood. It came in the papers that a car was brutally hit by a lorry, the name of the driver got my attention and I ended up outside the I.C.U.

Doctors revealed he has suffered severe head injuries and needed to be kept in there, for next 48 hours.

I prayed my heart out in that time and the almighty didn't let my wishes down, Aryan showed remarkable improvement and was soon shifted to general ward.

After six tough days I gathered all my courage to face him, again. As I entered the ward, he gave me the same smile, as our eyes met.

But I saw it fade away, yet again! As the distance shortened.

 "How do you feel now, Aryan?”

With a confused expression he replied back "Sorry! But I don't seem to recognize you, have we ever met?"

His words struck me hard and before I could sense the situation or reply to his query, the attendant asked me to let the patient get some rest; he has been advised not to put too much stress.

And then suddenly the words fall upon me, the words of the doctor echoed in my ears. I understood everything.

With a grin, I answered back to Aryan, "We had met once at the airport before the accident. We would talk more about it, but now it seems you need some rest. I live nearby and would give you a visit soon, till then take rest and recover quickly."

“Thanks for the visit and for your concern, don't know why your voice seems very soothing...”

With a smile I left the room and his words fading in the background... "She seemed so concerned about me; I wish I could remember her...”

With heavy steps I walked down the stairs, wishing the ground would swallow me inside. I was never prepared for this situation; I mean 'how this is possible? 'One thing that came good was that I was out of his life and memory, forever and he would never shed a tear for me.

I left his world and never went back to him neither did I hear of him again, perhaps destiny didn't want us to be together, on the bigger part it washed me out of his life.

My love for him grew with the days following that incident, today is 22nd Dec, the day we had touched and kissed each other for the first time. I remember him every day and miss him madly, but I guess; now I have a lot bigger reason to live my life.

After I had convinced myself that nothing could be done, things began to drift apart, again! I could feel myself slipping into my old habits and that I realized I could never get over him, marriage was never an option and then out of the blues, an angel stepped into my life...

One morning when I woke up late, tired from lack of sleep, I noticed a clipping in the newspaper:

A male child was found in the rags this morning; his crying made the locals notice him. The boy has been handed over to the city hospital….

My gaze shifted to the boy’s photo, and the very next moment I made up my mind. I was going to adopt him. After a month of several paper works, I finally brought the child home and at the back of my mind I knew what I was going to call him.

Although I was wiped out of Aryan’s life and it was not going smooth without him, I decided to give all my love to the baby and named him ARYAN.

“Ma”

She closed her diary, and turned to face her son.

"Hey, what’s the matter dear?”

"I am feeling little hungry,” Aryan muttered rubbing his tiny belly.

"Sure, tell me what you wanna eat”

His face lightened up seeing his mother agree to his query. Udita got up straighten her back, took Aryan in her arms and moved out.  Mid-way to the dining hall, a quotation on the wall made the little child smile. His name was engraved with his mom’s…….

                            

                              Aryan and Udita

.

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love revolves around. # 7.

#7.

Aryan speaks....

29th Nov, 2006.

Aryan in one of his diary entries:

Dear diary,

Udita is gone and she will never be back, I kept neglecting the reality for almost 4 years now,

Wondering from place to place, none of them provided me with any kind of solace, just unwelcoming torture and pain. 

Today, I set ablaze the letters, gifts, and few shirts which she gave me once. 

Watching them fade away, pins and needles ran up the back of my neck.

 But I knew these would never erase her, all the bundle of memories is too reluctant to go away.

Frankly speaking, I still remember her scent at odd times of the day...

The days passed away with a blink of an eye,

now I feel your absence

with a pain inside.

Your walking away from my life,

made me realise

how much dependent I was,

in that little span of time.

The last four years were the toughest, I remember the days following her exist and thinking about them still makes me shiver. 

I had dreamed everything with her, every decision was connected to her, like an adjective to a noun, and she followed me everywhere. 

But nothing has changed much in these years; like a rising sun, she made her omnipresence felt, but her rays were not warm; instead they pierced me from every corner. 

It became intolerable for me to bear the pain; even my salt waters were ineffective. The healing process lasted for days, but with its departure another one followed. 

At last I surrendered, she was unforgettable.

Like passing clouds in the sky, her dreams brushed me every other night; they were my only means to see her, to capture her cute smile; which used to suck out every little trauma of worries from my life, to brush her face with my hand, to feel her presence in my empty life.

But with each passing dream, a new hoped arrived; a hope of her reappearance, within me.

 With the desire to touch her, my eyes flicked open; ending the journey mid way, only to find no one around, I used to scan here and there, gaping in disbelief, Udita is no more, mine.

My four years in the college went fighting with myself, at the end of which I assumed she won't be coming back. 

But do we need to love a person till they love us??

But did Udita ever love me? 

If she did, then how could love subside so drastically?

 If not, then why did she spend all those years with me?? 

Why did she promise so much? Why did she leave me alone? 

Why did you go away Udita, Why? 

You knew I am and always will be incomplete without you, yet??

19th Dec, 2006...

Dear diary,

Four years, since I had seen her and things were falling in places, I'd assumed my love to be one-sided and learned to live with my pain. 

But yesterday everything changed, I saw her! Not in my dreams but in reality, and for few minutes my world got stuck!!

She...she looked changed but beautiful as ever, spotless skin, smooth, her nose little blunt; but I had loved it too ,her lips without any artificial gloss were shining, her sharp curves ,her health was same as I had seen her, dressed in blue jeans coupled by a black shirt ,she looked wonderful.

Lost in my thoughts I never noticed when she approached towards me, and said

 "Hi, Aryan”

Her voice was soft, as it used to be, but it woke me up from my imagination. Instead of responding to her words, I closed my eyes and moved back; with she standing there I just walked away.

For all I had gone through in those years, I cannot let her know that I still loved her, with all my broken pieces that I felt totally incomplete without her, that I had cried for her night after night. 

But I don't know why I did this, I needed her, I craved for her yet I just let her go...again

.

love revolves around # 6.

#6

continued from Udita's struggle.

The college life for which she had waited so much resulted in a dull experience, proceeding the initial few months. Love as is said can do anything to a person. She did manage to make few good and trusted friends there. But she had now realized the reason for her sorrows.

"Why are you making your life miserable, Udita? And why the hell you are regretting your decision......now? Christ! You look terrible, udi ", Smriti studied her face before giving her a hug.

(Smriti was one of the few friends in her college who knows about her past and present, Alfi being the other)She was out of the town for some domestic work, the day she pressed her feet in the college she straight way rushed to Udita's room. And to no surprise she found Udita sprawled uncomfortably on the bed.

“I don't know Smriti; it’s just that I have started missing him..... And the guilt of letting him suffer, is eating me from within" Udita uttered weakly.

"Honey, perhaps it’s too late to make any amend, you tried your best to find him. And there's nothing sort of guilt in it. You did what was best for you in that circumstances .Perhaps as a human I would say that you could have done things mutually, rather than backing off the scene totally. But then, we humans are somewhat born selfish."

"May be you are right but perhaps I have done a huge mistake. He was my first love and I let him go through all those difficult stages.... alone, I left him when he needed me the most. “A lump formed in her throat and tears welled in her eyes.

"Hey, hey. Listen to me, there’s no use of shedding tears now, all those instances are of past. You yourself opened a chapter which was well and truly closed, remember how strong you were the day you entered this college? ”

“I have felt what it takes when your love turns the back at you, perhaps not to the extend he must have done, but it hurts. “She answered groggily. Sobbing fat, salty tears, her eyes were red and sore.

"Seeing your condition udi, I wish there was some delete button in your life, delete someone, some memories, or such. If not, you have to do it by yourself because we are almost to the end of our terms, I don't want you to screw your career like this."

"Don't worry Smriti, I won't indulge myself in such a mess, after all I have duties as a daughter as well" she smiled weakly.

"You better do it girl; you almost forgot him the day you had swapedp in here. I am sure a new job; new city would lower your sorrows”

"I wish it does”

"Okay, get up and get involved in some meaningful work”

"Thanks for coming around, Smriti .I feel little better now”

“You know, friends and family can help you greatly in these circumstances. I am not totally sure about family but the former can play their part well. "

Udita smiled sadly.

"I am leaving now; Alfi would be waiting for me as well. See you soon and take care of yourself “Smriti said while closing the door behind her.

She may fool others around but inside she knew how much she still craved for him. She felt disheartened for ending their relation and at the same time, she felt helpless as she could do nothing about it.

Looking at the closed door she remembered, how he used to come to her house in the absence of her parents. 

The 1st time they did that,  resulted in their first ever kiss and how  they had planned to end the gap between them, how affectionately he had cupped up her face in his hands before planting the kiss.

The night before she had challenged him....

*                *               *                  *               

        

“You cannot do it Aryan; you do not have the guts to touch me."

"Hey, is this a challenge or what?”

"As you wish to take it”

"I love challenges”.

"That, we would see tomorrow”

*                *               *                 *

“Those years are gone..." she muttered as she came back to reality.

“I murdered our love Aryan, our dream of getting married, living together forever, I just murdered everything.......”

love revolves around. # 5.

#5.

After 2 years,

Time flew away in front of their eyes like lightening in the sky. Though the cravings of having each other at their side was still a dream for both of them. A dream which has all the possibilities in the world of not coming true.

Udita, (after two years) - silent girl, eyes coupled with dark circles, her charming look had lost its beauty, in the absence of the person who used to praise them.

Pale lips, which used to be red once, perhaps she lost the person who used to blossom them every day.

 This situation was deliberately created by her, for she dared to imagine her life without Aryan. Though the first few months were joyful but soon everything turned against her. 

She started missing him, when at a time she believed she could live her life without him.

She tried to contact him, but to her luck Aryan had cut off every single thread between them.

20th Oct, 2004.

Udita in one of her attempts to recontact Aryan…..

It has been 2 years since I had heard your voice. The last time you came to meet me, I just walked away sensing your presence. I now realize how important you were in my life, but I guess it’s too late now.

It's not that I have not made a move on, I did, many-a-times. But I failed miserably and got back where I had started. There are so many boys out there, then why do I always keep thinking about you every time. Why do I see your face flashing on every other guy, why?

You had just asked one thing from me "be on my side”, rest I would take care of. But I never did value your feelings.

I am living here like hell; all these days are proving so difficult for me. Winter has arrived and with it came the memories of yours; it was the time when you first came in my house...20th Dec…., 

Ah, what’s the use of remembering all those days when they are no more? But I can't forget you, I just can’t.

Please come back jannu.

With this she pressed the 'send' bottom,

<The mail was not delivered> came the prompt.

She felt a sudden rush of adrenaline in her, tears kept flowing from the eyes as they turned red...  And she prepared herself for the haunting night ahead.....

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, you know I love you...from my heart , I really do. I will be waiting, always. Whatever it takes, whatever's at stake, you know I'll be right here, right here ... 'always waiting for you'.  "

She repeated these lines in her mind as she dropped in sleep.

                                  .

love revolves around. # 4.

# 4.

Away from the cries and sorrow of his world, Udita was on a much propitious ride.

"Finally life has been worth living, thanks god." was her facebook status, after she parted herself away from the person whom she called her love, 9 months ago.

"Words hardly matter and people tend to change in span of days. I had had enough of sorrows and just can't afford more. Life is a book of chapters, as we move forward one need to close the previous, not to be opened again" she reflected these words to herself, as the plane took off from Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose International airport.

Life has been generous to her, new college, new friends, no promises to be kept, no relation to be handled. She desperately wanted to make this come off and deliberately discarded a series of attempts to change the decision.

Nothing matters to me you know,

I am very well happy without you

That’s for sure.

His pleadings were incorrigible for her now."I am fed up of understanding you, no matter what you do now I will forever regret my years with you. It was such an unwise decision to come to you." she conveyed this in a discordant tone ever used by her.

Everything in her life was taking shape like never before and she welcomed every joy with open arms. Relations were the last thing she wanted in her life now. She had changed from top to bottom; her eyes spoke so much, hair much longer with slightest tinge of brownish color to it. 

A look on which she was proud of and to this she got a fair bit of attention among the male species.

                   

On the other side Aryan was in pain, every attempt to bring his life back on track was proving to be futile. 

Slowly but surely, he was on the verge of losing a hard fought battle. He had decided whatever happens to him now he would never let that girl know. 

For that he disconnected himself from every possible common source.

Because of their ego, their love got hanged in between for which one was suffering and for other one?? Let’s say the days were about to start...

.

love revolves around. # 3.

#3.

  

                         It was hard on his part to tackle all this alone; neither could he pour his pain out to any close one. He did everything which could give him relief, from this ugly curse. He did switch places, from one friend to another. But they help was futile as well.

In my memories you seem so near,

But when I open my eyes why do you always disappear?

The wind kept brushing away his face; it was getting difficult for him to keep his eyes open. The bus was traveling way too fast but he looked lost in his own world....

“I just need you now...." the song expressed his present state, though it didn't matter as the person concerned was not listening to any of the two.

Traveling in buses brought back memories, memories which were enough to made him go mad in the past four months, memories with which he had been fighting with all his strength but kept loosing it every single time. Memories, which made him smile a few months ago, were now nothing short of torture.

His meandering thoughts at that point of time, took him back into past and into a life he had tried hard to forget...

*            *             *             *              *               

“Where are you?” she enquired.

"Hmm. Just 5 minutes more I will be there." I replied.

"O.K, I just called to say that I have a surprise for you."

“Surprise?? What is it? “This statement came as a surprise itself,

"Oho, just wait for few minutes, you will see.”

“Fine." I ended the call.

As I walked few paces ahead I saw her, with her hair open she looked absolutely fabulous and this was the surprise for me.

"So, how do I look??”

"As beautiful as ever, dear"

We smiled sheepishly looking at each other; she had planned to wear same colored clothes for our date, today. A ploy according to which she thought we would look perfect.

As we entered the premises of a restaurant, there was a corner just beside the stairs, faded with a small light.

I held her hand, pulled her close to me, piercing into each other eyes our bodies became tense with anticipation as she released the gears and planted her lips on mine.

We kissed and kissed, each time experiencing various depth, thrust and intensity. Our bodies became hot craving for more....soon our hands started feeling each other, leaving no place left to be touched, she grabbed mine and directed to her cleavage and left it there...

*          *             *         *            *

He woke up with the splash of rain at his face, breaking up the thoughts.

"Where did the rain come from?? It was almost sunny few minutes ago. Weather in this part of India is surely unpredictable.”Moved by the images he saw in his mind, all he felt was helplessness.

"How do I get over you dear, how??You said everything would be fine in a matter of months, it has not been the case."

Trying to get over you,

I failed in my attempt.

Deep in my heart,

I remember you with each passing scent.

Listen to me, listen to me for once

What I want to say,

You are my life; please don't leave me alone this way.

He had tried every possible way to get over his love but all he got was more and more pain.

I wish I could tell you how I felt,

when you moved over me.

You said it gave you happiness,

but you didn’t realize

you were blaming my love instead.

I wish I could make you believe,

for all that I did was pure.

Our relation did have a start

but why didn’t it last longer.?

I wish I could tell,

how I dreamt of you night and

    losing you, is not what I wanted.                                            

 But I had to accept all these,

as my wish was not granted.

You said there’s more to life than me,                               

 I wish I could tell you

there are only vacant spaces in my life,

without you...

The bus halted and he came down, all lost to himself he went to the lake surrounding his home, sat on a small elevated wall nearby,

"I love you Udita.” he uttered in his mind as he looked across the water body and closed his eyes which were already filled with tears....

love revolves around. # 2.

Aryan and Udita were in love with each other, Love as seen in plays, as pure and intense as it ever could be. Both of them wanted to get married one day, nothing could ever stop them from loving each other.

But fate had something else planned for them. What made them drift apart? Will the love between them survive? Will they ever meet again? Or just would move on in their lives?

Witness their love blossom into a flower and then fade away like crushed leaves.

#2.

It has been long since we talked and the last words which I heard from you were “I am going from here”, there I stood lost, weak, so fearful that I could not even move my feet to stop you and neither did you bother to turn around.

Your words echoed in my ears “you are such a selfish person, I should have listen to my parents, it’s a huge mistake of mine and I regret every moment spend with you in those 4 years."

I waited and I waited some more time but you didn't made any response, back then I made a pledge to myself, of forgetting you forever and letting you out in those puffs of smoke.

 It pained, I cried and I cried some more all I got was only one answer "you cannot forget her, you are not strong enough”

In the quest to keep myself away from your memories, away from your fragrance, I switched places, ran out with bad company. 

Little to my knowledge my efforts went fruitless. More so, I realized the bitter truth of my life “you are gone, like forever from my life."

You decided to walk away,

Without caring for what I wanted.

You took a step ahead,

And left me there spell bounded.

All my pleading gone in vain,

But it never tickled

A nerve in your brain....

The crashing of my heart

Didn’t make a sound...

And you didn't bother to turn around.

Time did pass away,

Even when it seemed impossible,

I am losing you with each passing day.

Despite all your rude temper,

I am standing here...

Waiting for your return.

But does it really matters to anyone.

.

love revolves around. # 1.

Aryan and Udita were in love with each other, Love as seen in plays, as pure and intense as it ever could be.Both of them wanted to get married one day, nothing could ever stop them from loving each other.

But fate had something else planned for them. What made them drift apart ?

 Will the love between them survive? 

will they ever meet again? Or just would move on in their lives ?

Witness their love blossom into a flower and then fade away like crushed leaves......

# 1.

Looking at the previous pictures which showed the two of them being together, he felt a sudden pain in his chest.

"Is it because of the cigarettes I had burned in the last hour or the fact that I am remembering her more and more.? “.

 It was a stupid question he asked to himself.

This day today, was supposed to be his birthday and for the 2nd time in his life he was crying on this day. 

He knew it very well that she will never contact him, no matter what the circumstances are. But his heart refused to accept this fact, in the end he had to pay for it, heavily.

 Past 6 months had been the worst for him and even today nothing has changed, as a matter of fact it only got worsened.

He sat on his bed to minimize the pain he was suffering, waited for sometime then reopened his mailbox. Much to his disappointment nothing had changed in the past half an hour. He got up from the chair, opened the window to grasp in some fresh air. It was still quite dark outside.

 He felt an urge to leave the place.

 Out on the streets he kept on walking till he reached the park. He jumped across the boundary wall to the bridge, this was the place which saw their friendship turn into love, His legs trembled there and leaning over the sidebars for support he kept staring at the water for no good reason....

Soon the Sun peeped out of the clouds, which made the place more enchanting, the birds started their chatter, a ray of light fell on him and he opened his eyes to notice the surrounding.

"Nothing has changed here, everything remains the same as it used to be,” he murmured to himself.

His phone kept buzzing with calls from all his friends and relatives, but not the one that mattered. The thought of jumping into the water brushed his mind for once, but he loved her far too much to let go this easy. Giving up would mean the end of his love, and he didn't want that.

He somehow controlled his emotions and with heavy legs walked back, there’s nothing he could have done now.

" I have to live my life this way,” he murmured looking up the sky...

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